When does a girl become a woman?

My first born turns 11 in a couple of weeks.  We have been discussing the acceptable age for tweenagehood and have come to an agreement that 11 it is.  This both scares me and amazes me.  If this is the beginning of her journey, then when does womanhood begin?

For me (and many Sri Lankan/Indian, mostly South Indian girls), the entry into womanhood is clearly defined with a huge BANG when we get our period for the first time.  Yup!  That’s right!  It is broadcasted to the world, in my case, to my relatives and friends on the same street, that I was now ready to be a wife, a mother.  There are varying versions of the significance of this week long tradition culminating in a ceremony.  Many state that it signifies giving respect to women and the beginning of setting aside time each month for a woman to rest as each experiences the monthly cycle in different ways.  But in reality, lots of women are separated from the rest of the family and are forbidden from taking part in any spiritual event, being deemed “unclean” during that time.  This makes me roll my eyes deep into my head considering these monthly cycles are what enable women, who choose to, become mothers.  If this logic of “unclean” was to hold, then I would think that men would have to be separated from the family permanently, don’t you think?

Among other parts of the tradition, I was required to consume gingelly oil and 1 raw egg each day.  Thankfully, this part was vetoed by my father and I narrowly escaped daily gagging.  It was also required that I only eat certain types of food and drink a limited amount of water.

At the end of this week, friends and family were invited to a celebration during which I wore a sari for the first time.  Being only 11 myself, I was pretty much in the dark about the meaning of it all.

For a long time, I resented the significance of the ceremony and its implied meaning of readiness for the unplucking.  Even though my parents went through this tradition more for keeping the tradition going rather than actually wanting to marry me off, I swore to myself that I would never put any of my future daughters through this when the day came.

As I grow older, I try to find the positives and the beauty in all that I have experienced, if I can.  When I look back at these photos, for me, it is the memory of having my father present to see me in a sari for the first time.  Unbeknownst to me then, he would never have that opportunity the day I got married.  I also look at myself in these photos and marvel at the immense strength of a woman’s body.  The blessings and the beatings that a woman’s body takes in the course of a lifetime – monthly, yearly, through pregnancies, childbirth, C-sections, health challenges and menopause.  I look at that young body of mine and think, “thank you.  Thank you for having taken me this far.”

Womanhood is challenged daily and it always will be.  From the day we are born, we fight the mantra that is yelled into our ears, “too tall, too short, too fat, too thin, too fair, too dark, long nose, ugly nose, crooked teeth, too tanned, curly hair, straight hair, hairy body, cellulite” and it goes on and on.  In turn, we subscribe to it all and attempt to “fix” ourselves.  We diet, shave, wax, straighten our hair, curl our hair, apply nail polish, thread eyebrows, ‘botox’……and when all of this is not enough, we undergo surgery to alter ourselves to be boxed into the ever changing definition of beauty.

And so, I begin to believe that womanhood begins the day we see the beauty in ourselves.  The day we recognize the majesty within our being.  This doesn’t happen fully in a day or even in a lifetime sometimes.  But I have noticed that the impact a woman’s words has on another woman is lifelong.

I can only hope that some of the lessons I am learning will rub off on my girls.